


25 Lives

by pequinessa



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 06:46:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6693739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pequinessa/pseuds/pequinessa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I will chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes untill I find the one where you return to me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	25 Lives

It’s you, again. Of course it’s you. It’s never been anyone else.

 

 

 

  
Golden locks like the mocking sun above us. He knows, he fucking knows. He knows he can’t stand against your aura, your incredibly bright aura, and so he shines the brightest over you whenever I’m around. To remind me that you exist and that I can no longer reach for your hands, that I can no longer trace aimless patterns over your skin, that I can no longer love you.

  
But alas, he doesn’t know that _I_ actually can.

 

 

  
I’m sure this isn’t the first time we’ve crossed paths. But it is the first time I’ve remembered you.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I couldn’t remember before.

 

 

  
I wonder if it’s your yellowish hair that makes me invisible in your eyes. I wonder if it’s the reason why your lovely smile isn’t directed at me anymore. I wonder if it’s the reason why your eyes don’t seem to hold that special glow (that I can certainly recall) whenever you look at me.

Why don’t you love me?

We were meant to be, and still you won’t even look at me.

How dare you?

I’m not just your friend, I’m not just your ‘buddy’. I’m more, so much more it makes my heart ache.

My lungs are threatening to burst, for every time I look in your direction I hold my breath.

And I can’t think of a moment when I’m not looking in your direction.

I literally can’t breathe.

 

 

  
You are so nice, even when you’re turning me down, your gentle smile and your soft eyes are still present.

Don’t look at me like that. Don’t pity me. I should pity you.

You’re going to be the most miserable person on earth if you’re not by my side. Why can’t you understand?

_“Jongin, we just met. How can you love me? Don’t be silly. It’s just a crush.”_

You don’t be silly.

I know you, Taemin.

There was never a time in which I didn’t know you.

There was never a time in which we ‘just met’.

 

 

 

 

  
Of course my last breath has your name.

Of course my heart has been bleeding for ages now.

Of course I’m dying out of sadness.

Of course I was never happy, not even with her by my side and them to carry out my surname.

I do love her. But I can’t be in love with her.

Of course it’s only you.

It’s always been just you.

 

-

  
Your characteristically dark hair is back, and so is your love for me.

 

 

 

 It all happened so fast.

There I was, trying to help some clumsy pedestrian collect all of their books. But the moment our hands touched and our eyes met, everything froze.

Next thing I knew, you were tackling me to the ground, chanting like a mantra with shaky voice, “ _I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”_

It’s okay, my love, I forgive you.

I will always forgive you.

 

 

  
Your tempting mouth opens like a flower for my tongue. You suck, bite, kiss and lick all of it.

 _“I wanna make it up to you,”_ was what you said, while your busy hands were making me shake like a child trying to walk.

This time, it’s me who opens up like a flower for you.

It’s been long, so long.

I’m sorry I started crying. I’m sorry I made you cry too.

Don’t stop, don’t stop.

Finally, you love me back again.

_And it feels so good._

 

 

  
I can’t believe that no matter how you look, no matter how you act, how you think, I love you.

I love you to the core. I love you, I love you.

 

 

 

  
It was so fucking silly of me to think this would last.

I forgot that we are the entertainment of some cruel God.

I forgot.

But of course this realization comes later.

Because now I’m holding your hand and you are lying there.

I can almost see how life escapes through every shaky breath you take.

And I, so unbelievably naïve, try to hold onto you.

And I’m sorry, because my lungs feel heavyand I can’t breathe. I cry. I don’t want to cry, I’m so sorry.

Don’t leave me, please.

_“There will never be a time in which I won’t love you, even if you don’t know it. Don’t worry, Jongin, I will wait for you.”_

Taemin, let me be selfish. Let’s not think about ‘another time’. Let’s think about now. Now I love you. Now you love me. I want it all. And I want it now.

But of course, it’s never been about what I want.

Because you gift me one last smile, and then the stars that were always dancing across your eyes are dying, one by one.

And no matter what I do, I can’t light them up again.

 

 

  
Of course this time, after all we’ve been through, I can’t wait.

The warm touch of your fingertips ghosting over my skin still haunts me.

I won’t ask you not to be mad, because I know you will be.

I’m not sorry.

But it’s okay, love. Because in this reality, I can’t even begin to imagine spending my life with someone else who is not you.

It’s bitter, but I know it won’t hurt.

 

-  
_“You’re a fucking idiot.”_

 _“_ _I know.”_

_“You’re not even sorry.”_

_“I’m not.”_  
-

 

I know it’s a punishment.

How come nobody knows you?

How come I can’t find you?

How come you don’t even exist now?

 

 

  
Don’t worry, Taemin.

Of course, even if there’s no physical trace of your existence within this reality, you still exist. You’re alive and burning in the depths of my heart.

Of course, even if I don’t know what you look like, what you like and what you don’t, I’m still in love with you.

Of course, even if can’t seem to find a purpose in this reality, I won’t chase you down till next lifetime.

I can’t afford that you won’t exist there either.

I won’t do anything like last time before.

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Forgive me.

Though I’d rather have paid for my sins in other ways.

I’d rather walk on scorching stones.

I’d rather have my hands smashed and my feet nailed.

I’d rather have my skin sliced.

Because then, at least you would exist.

 

 

  
This time you hair is fire red, like the flames that grow inside of me whenever you look at me, and I can see how much in love you are with me.

Of course, this mustn’t be our time either, because they call you sinner, they call you Satan’s child and chase you down.

And there we lay together, sobbing into each other’s arms, waiting for the grand finale.

We’ve run across the whole country, but your stunning hair gives us away anywhere we go. It’s okay, love, because I do love your hair. I love how it catches the sunlight and reflects it like a vibrant ruby. I love how it contrasts against your impossibly milky skin. I love everything that is you.

Damned be those who cannot see the beauty that you carry. They should be ashamed to even stand next to you.

In the name of God they say, while the very flames that you ignite within me are licking all of my skin. While the very flames that I ignite within you are licking all of you, too.

And I can’t stop the laugh that’s resonating in my throat.

 

-  
You’re brunette again, and to my complete misery, you don’t love me.

-

 

After a while, I give up trying to guess if the colour of your hair means anything.

 

- 

I was a kid when I first met you.

You were my neighbourhood’s son, and we became best friends for life the very first time we talked.

You showed me your super-secret place when I told my parents I wanted to do ballet instead of taekwondo. You could tell at first glance I was upset. Silently, you took my trembling hands between yours and guided me towards the rusty old wagon behind the convenience store in which we used to buy popsicles.

It was dark, and it didn’t smell very good, but you had brought a blanket with which you enveloped us both. You awkwardly patted my head while I clung to you and cried my eyes out.

 

  
This time, it’s my turn to console you.

You had tried to climb the highest branch of the tree just to prove how cool you were. It was very windy, and your foot slipped.

They told you that you will have to wear a cast for about two weeks.

And I had never seen you crying any harder that when the doctors said you couldn’t attend dance class for at least two months.

It’s okay, because we spend the evenings playing videogames and snorting soda through our noses, because we are stupid and don’t know not to drink when we watch cartoons.  
  


 

 

We’re fifteen, and you come to my first solo ballet recital in sweaty clothes. I know you came straight after your so amazing popping class. I know how tired you feel after dance lessons. I know you ran up all the way here. I know.

I’m so grateful that when you take me behind the theatre, I can’t express how much love I have for you, and so I kiss you.

You kiss me back.

And guess what I do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, I started crying.

You laughed at me, but your cheeks were flushed.

Then, you gave me the bracelet you had initially planned to give me.

_“K.J. + L.T. BFF”_

When you finished tying it up on my wrist, you shyly pulled me towards you by the waist, and kissed me again.

I don’t even know what BFF stands for more anymore.

 

 

 

We’re sixteen and seventeen and you are holding my hand so tight I’m afraid you’re going to bruise it. But I don’t want you to let go. Not now, not ever.

Against all odds, they don’t care. My mum even smirks, knowingly.  
  


 

 

That very same night, while we’re making out, you sneak your hand down my briefs and your lips swallow my moans.

You stop to look at me, worried.

I lean into your touch and kiss you hard. It’s okay, love. It’s okay, as long as it’s you.

  
  


 

We don’t go all the way, but now I know how you taste.

You’re just like a sour candy.

 

 

 

 

 

And I’ve always had a sweet-tooth.  
  


 

 

Our first big fight happens when I find out you’re smoking.

_“What the actual fuck, Taemin? You’re smoking? How fucking stupid are you?”_

_“Shut the fuck up, Jongin. I have my own mother to nag me. Stop being a pain in the ass.”_

We yell at each other, and when I start crying because I cannot believe we are actually fighting, that we are saying such mean things to each other, you call me a fucking baby and say that you’re done dating a child.

Then you leave, and I don’t know what to do with myself.

And hour later, I’m lying on my bed, drained of all emotion. My nose is clogged and my eyes are red and puffy. I haven’t stopped shaking since you left.

You come rushing in, tears threatening to spill from your eyes. You hug me and ask for my forgiveness, saying you’re the biggest asshole in the world, that you didn’t mean anything you said and that you’ll quit smoking, anything.

And, love, I cannot not forgive you. Not when you’re crying so desperately. Not when I love you so much.

You kiss my cheeks, my eyes, my eyelashes and the corner of my mouth. You leave open kisses on my throat, just to come back and claim my dried lips in a hungry kiss.

You push me down and kiss me like I’ve never been kissed.

And this time, you love all of me.

When you push into me, you do it in such a gentle manner I can’t help but being overwhelmed.

You love me with your body and with your eyes.

With your tongue and your lips.

With your fingers and all of your skin.

You fill me with your essence, and I know I’m the happiest person alive.

Because you love me.

You truly love me.

 

 

 

And love, I’ve loved you since you told me your name was Taemin.

 

 

  
We are only 24, but you have already slipped an engagement ring on my finger.

_“So the whole world knows that you, Kim Jongin, are my one and only soulmate.”_   
  


 

 

These are the times I remember the most fondly. I’m the happiest when I get to be part of all your memories. When I’m with you in every single photo your mom takes of you. When I’m right there in every important event of your life. When I have the privilege to watch you grow and mature.

I’m the happiest when I can’t recall a moment in which I’m not by your side.

 

-  
But of course it isn’t always sugar and spice.  
-

 

Sometimes, it’s me who doesn’t exist, you tell me while sobbing the first time we meet.

You’re crying, and I’m sorry, but I can’t hear a thing you say because you crying isn’t something that happens often. I can count with my fingers the number of times you actually showed me your tears.

And you’re sobbing so hard right now, and I’m pretty sure you’re holding me tight enough to break my ribs.

I’m sorry, love, I’m sorry I bring you so much despair.

 _“It was awful, Jongin. I knew something was missing, but I couldn’t point out exactly what that was. I felt so empty. And then, all of a sudden, I dreamt of you an–”_ And now you’re crying so hard I don’t understand what you’re saying.

I just hold you, because nothing I can say right now will outweigh the fact that I’m very much alive now, and very much in love with you, too.

 

  
It’s sweet, really, how you insist on accompanying me everywhere I go. It’s sweet how you kiss me long and hard, for hours, afraid I will disappear. It’s sweet, really, how much I mean to you.  
  


 

It’s okay, though I don’t have any childhood memories with you. It’s okay. Because I got to meet you, and I got to show you just how indispensable you are to me.

It’s okay, because even if I were to meet you minutes away from dying, the fact that you exist and that you love me would make up for everything.

It’s okay, love, really. Because now I get to spend the rest of my life with you. (I say the rest, but I’m aware that the very minute I existed in this world, my life was entirely yours.)

 

-  
Sometimes, you’re not mine.

Sometimes I’m late, and somebody else is loving you.

But, love, tell me, who could love you better than me?  
  


 

This time, it’s not just some silly girlfriend or boyfriend I know you’ll dump the very minute you meet me.

This time, you’re married and have two lovely children.

And this time, I’m only the seventeen-year-old boy you hired to take care of them on your anniversary.

 

 

It’s not so bad, because you’re ever gentle with me. You even pay me a little more than what we had agreed on. It’s not so bad, because your bright smile is still directed at me (though it’s not nearly as bright as the one you give to that person).

It’s not so bad, but it’s not good at all.

 

 

Sometimes I believe your hand lingers a little bit too much on my skin when you want to call my attention and grab my arm.

Sometimes I think your gazes are deeper than what you let on.

Sometimes, and correct me if I’m wrong, I can see the tiniest glimpse of your old smile. The one Taemin shows to only his life companion, Jongin.

Sometimes, I want to believe you still feel the same for me.

But now you’re an adult and, love, you’ve become so much more discerning. And I know you won’t do something stupid, because you’re the gentlest soul I’ve ever met.

(Though sometimes I wish you’d act a little bit more selfishly.)  
  


 

Your sweetheart is starting to realize my ‘teenage crush’ on you.

So I quit.

You beg me to stay, because your children love me dearly. (Do you love me dearly, too?)

And I love them as dearly. They look just like you; how could I not love them?

I hate making you sad, but let me be selfish, love. I know you’ll understand.

I’m dying.

I’m disintegrating in slow motion.

Because every time I look at you and watch you kiss your sweetheart, it feels like I’m taking another step towards a bitter end. An end I would gladly meet, if it meant I would stop hurting.

And I love you. God, I love you so much I want to cry whenever you speak to me.

But I’m sorry, I’ll have to leave your side first. Don’t look so devastated, love. I know you loved me too, in your own fatherly way. (Or maybe you didn’t, I hope.)

But I’m afraid I’m becoming greedier and I can’t stop it.

Don’t worry, I won’t do anything silly.

I’ll just wait for you, in this empty shell I call a body.

I’ll wait for you.

I will wait, even if takes forever.

 

-

 

 

 

I’m scared, Taemin.

 

 

  
  
The weight of the gun on my hand is alarmingly familiar.

Maybe my past Jongin has also held a life-taker in his hands.

The memory doesn’t comfort me at all.  
  


 

 

The downpour right now is no joke. I can’t see beyond my hands, and it’s fucking freezing.

The worst part is that I can’t even spare you a thought.  
  


 

They don’t tell us much, simple words like, _‘Don’t get yourselves killed,’_ dig hard enough into you.

I’m shaking, and God I’m so scared.  
  


 

I know that no matter how many times I wash my hands, these blood stains won’t go.

 

 

  
I hate this.

 

  
The part I hate the most is that up to now, I haven’t been able to remember you.

 

 

I’m running.

Towards what, I don’t know.

Away from what, I don’t know.

I’m just running, trying to avoid all of these bullets coming at me.

 

 

  
There is no God.

Not now.

Not ever.

 

 

 

I’ve already started crying by the moment I fall down.

I can’t find strength enough within me to put up a fight.

I actually come to believe this is the best that could have happened.

I hear the footsteps before I see a pair of black leather boots dirty with mud.

 

 

God is evil

God is so fucking cruel.

It’s what I decide the moment I see the North Korean flag on your uniform. And I don’t know who looks more shocked, you Taemin or me.

And everything comes crushing down the moment your shaky fingers move my fringe away to have a better look at my face.

I want to smile at you, because at least I have the chance to acknowledge your existence.

But I can’t. I’m sorry, love, but I can’t.

You’re shaking so hard right now that the gun slips from your hand.

 _“J-Jongin, I–”_ You’re choking, and I can’t seem to find the right words to make you stop hurting.

I try to talk, to at least tell you that I love you, but instead a bubble of blood rises from my throat and spills down my lips.

The scene makes you cringe and release a mournful cry. You’re screaming, “Doctor, doctor!” with all your might, but your broken voice gets lost easily in the howling of the wind.

 _“Why, God, why, why, why?”_ It seems you can’t stop chanting, while you move me softly to your lap.

Make it stop, please.

At this point I don’t even know what hurts the most, my abdomen or my heart.

The war doesn’t stop for us.

Of course it doesn’t.

But it looks like you don’t care.

To be honest, neither I do.

It’s strange, because though I’m dying I feel at ease.

This is better than when you don’t exist. I hate those lives. I’d rather die by your hand in an instant than live a thousand years without you.

 _“Jongin, I love you so much. God, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sor-ry, I’m s-sorr–”_ You can’t even talk, with all the hiccupping.

It’s okay, love.

Don’t die just yet.

I lift my arm and caress your cheek, staining it with mud and blood.

_“Don’t cry.”_

I’m sorry, love.

 

  
-

I don’t always have to love you romantically.

I can love you platonically.

I can love you as a brother.

I can just love you.

 

  
It’s unfair, right?

You always get to be the older one. No matter how minimal or broad the gap between our ages is, it’s you who is always the hyung.

Funny, right?

 

 

  
Our first words are each other’s names.

Though with my infant mouth, your name comes out sounding like _“Min”._

And with your infant mouth, my name comes out sounding like _“In”._

Our parents are delighted.  
  


 

 

Three minutes and 24 seconds.

And _still_ , you order me around like you’re ten years older.

It’s funny, because I’ve always been the tallest and I have always looked more mature. But you don’t care. You always reply, “Wisdom isn’t measured in centimeters, Jonginnie”.  
  


 

 

Of course, you are my first kiss and I’m yours.

It’s just an innocent peck, a feather-like touch between our similar plump lips.

But it fills my heart with so much warmth I could cry.

You taste so familiar.  
  


 

 

I like this.

It’s easy.

Nobody judges.

Nobody will stop and stare if we’re being affectionate.

Nobody gives us dirty looks.

 _“It’s cute,”_ they say, _“how well they get along.”_  
  


 

 

Brother.

_“Twin brother.”_

The label rolls easily on my tongue.

It’s sweet, and I like the comfort it brings me.

They say blood is thicker than water.

(Though it tastes a little bitter at times.)

 

  
  
You are dating her, and of course I’m jealous. I used to be the center of your world, and now it seems I am nothing but your twin brother.

Taemin ~~(love)~~ , I’m a lot more than just your twin brother.

 

 

  
We’re 25 and you’re about to get married. Of course I’m the best man.  
  


 

 

I’m carrying your drunk self to your bedroom. You’ve always been such a lightweight, despite the fact that you like gulping down alarming amounts of alcohol.

You’re giggling about something I can’t bring myself to care about. Not when your breath is caressing my neck in such a loving manner. Not when your hands are holding my waist and I can feel their warmth through the fabric of my shirt.

 _“Jonginnie-”_ you start. _“I’m going to be a married man.”_

 _“I know,”_ I reply shortly, while laying you down on your bed. Your fiancée won’t come home for another two days. And that’s actually a great thing, because you look so damn wasted she would nag the hell out of us both, you for being drunk and me for not taking proper care of you.  
Your lost gaze focuses on the ceiling while I’m trying to undress you. You might be smaller than me, but you’re a grown-up man now and you weigh a lot more than when you were 17; and you’re just lying there, boneless.

 _“Help me a little, you fat ass,”_ I huff. I might not be as intoxicated as you, but I’m sure a little bit more than tipsy.  
I’m fumbling with my fingers, trying to undo your belt when you suddenly grab me by the tie and pull me down on top of you. This position is a little uncomfortable, so you squirm until you’re the one who’s hovering over me. You’re straddling my hips, and I’m sorry, God, I’m so fucking sorry, but I can’t help the heat that starts to coil in my lower abdomen. I can’t help the way I grab you by the waist, can’t help the way my hands sneak under your shirt and touch your skin.

 

It seems you can’t help kissing me, either.

It seem you can’t help rocking your hard-on down on mine.

It seems you can’t help the hand that’s fast discarding my pants.

It seems you can’t help but take me into your mouth, sucking hard at the tip of my girth.

It seems I can’t help the fingers that are prodding at your entrance. And it seems my cock can’t help but follow shortly after.

It seems we can’t stop loving each other.

Not now.

Not ever.  
  


 

 

Of course you still get married.

But it’s fine, because I have the images of our night burned in my brain. And that’s enough to get me through this life, until the next comes and you’re mine again.

 

-  
_“I’m sorry, you know I couldn’t, you know I–“_

_“I know baby, I know.”_

_“I’m sorry. I love you. I always love you”_

_“I know.”_   
  


-

It might hurt, because out of every 10 lives I get to know you, in at least five you don’t love me back. And in at last two you didn’t exist.

But baby, the lives where we get to be together until we’re nothing but dust make up for all the times we don’t.

 

-

This time is a bit unique.

We get to show how much we love each other to everyone.

And, hey, they don’t judge us.

How funny is that?

 

  
You’re SHINee’s Taemin and I’m EXO’S Kai.  
  


 

 

I have lost count of the amount of times you’ve made fun of me for my nickname.

I think it’s cool, so fuck you.  
  


 

 

They write about us and we appear in articles. And everyone is delighted. Our fans have made a ship name for us.

How cute is that?  
  


 

 

You know what sucks, though?

We are a _fucking_ joke.  
  


 

 

They worship the relationship between us. But we’ve been told that the very moment we come clean, they will eat us.

“You’re just platonic best friends. And that’s all you will ever aspire to be in this life, kiddos,” is what they tell us.

 

  
  
The joke’s on us.

 

  
But, mind you, I can’t bring myself to laugh.  
  


 

 

The thought of us is alluring, cute and romantic.

The reality of us is plain disgusting.  
  


 

 

It’s okay.

We might not see each other frequently.

But when we do, we don’t have to care about anything. Because everyone is expecting our reunions.  
  


 

 

It’s sweet how much I get asked questions about you, and how much you get asked questions about me.

It’s sickening how we know it’s only because they don’t truly believe in us.  
  


 

 

-  
I have never told you this, but before I leave a life to chase you in another time, I’m absolutely terrified there won’t be a next time.

I can’t stand the idea of never seeing you again.

Sometimes it’s not so bad, but the times I don’t have you by my side, I’m both thrilled and terrified of dying. Maybe I will see you again, and everything will be right. Or maybe there won’t be another time, and I will die and fade away into pure nothingness without having seen you one last time.

 _-_  
_“I will never let that happen.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Why are you always crying? Don’t cry, love.”_

_“I’m sorry. I’m just –I love you.”_

_“I do too, my love, I do too.”_

-

 

If I have to beat God and become God myself to ensure an eternity with you by my side, then I will.

(Only, I’m too afraid to speak my words out loud.)

 

  
- 

This has to be one of the most horrible lives ever.

(Only it’s not because at least I have the opportunity to meet you.)

 

  
You’re entering your heart surgery, and I’m the nurse taking care of you.  
  


 

 

I’m taking you to the operation room, and even when you’re a little dopey, you still look at me, pliant.

You know it, and I know it too. (I don’t want to know it.)

You move your lips with great effort.

_“I–”_

Don’t do this now, please not now.

_“love–”_

My heart is clenching painfully and my eyes sting with the effort of not crying. My throat is constricting. I can’t breathe. Please not now.

_“you.”_

 

 

  
  
I’m crying my eyes out even before they come to inform me you have passed away.

 

 

 

 

 

-

But don’t worry, Taemin. For I will chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes until I find the one where you return to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

Heavily inspired by [this ](http://s2b2.livejournal.com/142934.html)and the lovely [taekai version](http://jongint.co.vu/post/130218664781/taekai-twenty-five-lifetimes).

**Author's Note:**

> So, uhm, first of all I want to thank my amazing beta 'Jongtaeluv'. She did an amazing job, so I'm extremely happy~ I don't know hoy many times I've said this already, but thank you.  
> I've always liked soulmate!aus so, well, here's my contribution lol. Sorry if it's a little bit confusing at first, and I'm sorry it's a bit messy. But I kinda like the spaces between the paragraphs, lol. Also, I haven't count the lives(? I wrote, but I'm pretty sure it's not 25 so sorry about that. I'll keep the title though.  
> Please tell me what you think, I'm not very sure about this, and it took me a lot to write this (even if it isn't very long) because I wanted it to be perfect (though it's far from that but hey, I tried).  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
